Today I breathed a sigh of relief. Exhaled. Released. Yep, I had been holding onto a little… ok, A LOT of tension. You know, uncertainty is a trip! It’s another one of those tricks of the enemy that creates an atmosphere of self-doubt and I found myself a pawn in his game…AGAIN.
Every now and then, I have these moments where I start doubting…doubting what God has told me to be true. Whether feeling like I’m getting too old to be trying to launch a Gospel music career; whether telling myself that my past is too colorful to actually believe that I could be taken seriously as a Gospel artist; or whether saying to myself, “See! Your CD isn’t even selling that great…no one likes you.” In some way or another, I have continued to mentally sabatoge myself in this regard. I even went through a phase for about a year where I tried to get “a real job” in order to leave music behind. God was not pleased. With two college degrees and a foreign language under my belt, not only did he not allow me to get hired for “a real job”, He chastised me in the process. I must admit, it never feels good to get spanked by Jesus!!!
Every time I doubted, God made it VERY CLEAR where He wanted me to be. It was hard for me to accept b/c in my mind, it’s so much easier to just go to a nine-to-five b/c my money would be guaranteed every two weeks. Him calling me to sing Gospel and to do a ministry-based business meant that I had to be out of my comfort zone, sacrifice a lot more than I wanted to, and maybe not even make the kind of money my degrees told me I should be making. BUT GOD. He continues to make me stop all the whining. He told me to stop trippin’ about what I don’t see and what I don’t understand and what I don’t have and just DO what He said.
So this past weekend, my manager drove myself and my singers Jesus Groupies United, down to Nashville, TN to sing for the taping of a brand new show coming out on the Word Network called VISIONS w/ Bobby Jones! We were so thankful!! We praised God collectively for the opportunity. But still down in me somehow, I was doubtful. There were about 10 artists taping that day and in my mind, they were all better than me. I allowed that doubt to morph into nervousness which made my voice semi-shaky on a few parts of the song. BUT GOD! Even through that, so many people were blessed by our set!! So much so that one of the musicians even invited only me & my singers to minister in song the next morning at his church!! Again, I had to tell myself to RELAX…God is in control. What He has for me is FOR ME!!! All I have to do is believe Him and REST in His promise.
So lastly, this morning the tickets to my upcoming Live-Recording concert were officially SOLD OUT!!!! Here we are almost one full month before the event and it is a full house…a done deal!!! A month ago, I was telling my manager to bring in a big name artist to get us a crowd b/c I didn’t believe that my name alone could draw a crowd. My manager said, “You’re nuts iNDIGO! It’s already done. You’ve got to believe it. You told me God called you to this. I believe that too or wouldn’t be managing you. So, believe it and just let God do Him.” And now look! So with this, literally this morning I cried out to God for forgiveness for my self-doubt. Because in doubting myself, I also doubt Him.
So I just want to encourage someone today b/c I know that just b/c you walk around looking like nothing bothers you or gets to you or like you have all the confidence in the world, that sometimes you doubt too. But, BELIEVE IN WHAT GOD SAYS! If He led you to it, it is HIS WILL and it will NEVER FAIL. Don’t compare yourself to others’ successes. God has a lane specifically designed for you. You just have to trust Him and be obedient to receive.
*Wednesdays w/ iNDIGO*