I’m learning. My job takes me quite frequently between the west and east coast, I’m travelling and always on the move. It’s exciting and fast paced, but the lack of stability, the lack of foundation, can sometime be unsettling. I was asked this week whether or not I like what I do, and the answer was a surprising no.
In thinking more about my lifestyle, my insecurities, my fears, and my motivation, I find that this journey forces me to evolve and stretch. I am discovering more about my morals, my ethics, my drive, and my theology. I’m a different person now than when I started.
But why don’t I like what I do? I have the freedom to plan each and every day. I can plan, within reason, what I want to accomplish, what jobs I want to take on, what challenges I am ready to confront, and even what role I want to play (both in front of and behind the lens). But why don’t I like what I do?
I have discovered through that conversation that I am still as much an amateur today as I was six years ago. I am every bit as clueless with my life’s direction as I have been graduating from high school in 2004, or stepping out from conservatory in 2005, or starting Blue Artists in 2006. I haven’t found solace in the work.
I have discovered that my theology was flawed. My blessings have little if anything to do with my lifestyle, my convictions, my efforts, my accomplishments, my failures, my sins, my hang ups, my irritations, my frustrations, my lies, my vanity, or my knowledge. I am blessed simply, and only simply, because God chooses to.
I then realized that I don’t like what I do.
And the reason is because all I ever do is mess up.
I can’t claim my accomplishments, because I have done nothing to secure them. God brings oppurtunities to my door, and because I don’t know the path for my life, or the way I’d prefer to go, I willingly accept. God provides a constant set of projects to focus my attention thus I have very little time to sit down and think about life and what I personally want from it. I can’t like what I do, because it isn’t anything impressive or amazing or even worth discussing.
Instead, I like what God does. I like that he favors me, I like that I am safe in his arms. I like that those who stand against me fall. I like that my needs are met, I like that I don’t starve, I don’t beg, I don’t doubt. I appreciate that God takes care of my troubles, most of which I create. I appreciate that my only responsibility is to go where I’m lead and apply myself to the task at hand. God has a knack for making my life very simple, amidst the complications I create for myself through my own misdirection. I can be a clueless chicken, just as I’ve been a selfish jerk. I have let my desires get the best of me, just as I’ve let my ambitions take hold of me. But in every sense, despite my MANness, despite my outdated sense of God, I am favored.
I like what God does, because he saves me. Constantly and willingly, painfully and completely.
And despite that my path is guided by the Maker’s hand, by His wisdom through the ages, His vision for my future, I am still learning a thing or two.
Guest Blogger :: Pierre Walters