Could it be? Is it possible that the reality of this walk has FINALLY taken it’s toll on me? What do I mean? I mean, am I kidding myself? Me, a REAL Christian?? Here I am being convinced by His word that I am truly changing, being tempted on every corner…POW, beat that! Being tested w/ that circumstance…POW, beat that! Then on Sunday having the Live Recording concert I’ve been preparing and praying for all these weeks…POW accomplished! BUT THEN…
When I woke up Monday morning, I felt sad. Yep. Soon after a great weekend, I was reminded of the old me. The wrongs I’ve done. The people I offended. The sins I committed. The names I was known by behind my back: ice-princess, bitch, cold-hearted, selfish, and the list goes on. Of course that should actually be a reason for me to rejoice because of how far I’ve come, but somehow I found a way to convince myself that no matter how much I sing, how hard I witness, how much I pray, how deep I worship, or how real I love, that person will be who some folks will always see.
1 Pet 5:8-9 (NLT) Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith.
Then yesterday, after having more time to process some things, people, and situations I wasn’t happy with (for 1 reason or another); then hearing about four different incidents of disturbing/bad news; I snapped. I didn’t take it to the Lord in prayer. I didn’t even seek guidance from a believer. Instead of just opening up and saying, “So and so bothered me. -or- I am hurt by this or that. -or- I feel like your action(s) mean so and so…am I wrong?” -or- etc. I just abandoned all I knew to be right and acted according to HOW I FELT IN THAT MOMENT! My Pastor calls that, FLESHING OUT! You ever heard the saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”? Well, that’s a joke. Here’s the REAL DEAL…
Gal 5:16-17 states: So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.
It is not just a cliche…it is true that, GOD DON’T LIKE UGLY! So in my whirlwind of rebellion, God allowed me to play myself (omg…y’all seriously have NO IDEA) to reiterate that lesson back into my own spirit. Now, hours later I have to shake my head and chuckle at how IN CONTROL God really is no matter how OUT OF CONTROL I can actually be. Literally everything that happens and doesn’t happen is all according to what HE allows. PERIOD!
Bottom line, none of us have arrived. This walk is a constant work and even after victories, the enemy uses tricks in the midst of “high times” to bring you down to an all time low. Bottom line, don’t fall for it! But if you do, pray to the Lord that you snap out of it before it’s too late…before you do something stupid to make you lose your witness…that’s the enemy’s goal anyhow! You feeling bad or hurt about something is not an excuse to lash out. As Bianca titled one of her former posts, “Your Repsonse Is Your Responsibility.”
2 Corinthians 2:5-11 states: If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.
Thankful for the spiritual boomerang! You’re the BOLDest and FABest…the ONLY GOD! I am humbled. I am grateful. I am forever in awe of you. I am sorry. I am back on track. Amen.
*Wednesdays w/ iNDIGO*