So, I just about had it the other day.  As I was about to do crunches in my bedroom, I saw the smallest baby spider scurrying along the wall.  I moved just as fast as the spider…running around trying to figure out which shoe was going to suffer smashing this spider (because clearly,this is going to hurt my shoe and this spider is VERY different than all the bugs I probably smash as I am walking on the concrete outside…but I digress).  I finally found a slipper (not the bath slippers, of course) and squealed out loud as I smashed the little spider against my off-white walls.  As I sat down EXHAUSTED on my bed, I thought: When is THIS going to end!  And I added this to my list.  What list, you ask?  Oh, you know…the list every “strong black single female” has called : THE (ONLY) REASONS I MAY CONSIDER GETTING A HUSBAND:  And on that list:

  1. Shoveling snow (thanks to the 2010 D.C. Blizzard that covered my car, not once…but TWICE)
  2. Changing curtains, lightbulbs, and anything over 5’7″  (I mean, really!)
  3. Changing the oil in my car (sorry fellas…I now do this RELIGIOUSLY)
  4. (and now) Killing spiders.

As I mentally added to the list, I started to feel guilty: like, why is it that I feel I NEED a man to do these things?  I have been able to maintain on my own all this time.  Plus, at now 30, if I were honest, the “TYPE A” multi-degreed, artistic, athletic parts of me reminded me of my prior accomplishments and that I never really NEEDED a man to do anything of those things.  So I should stop being so weak….right?

WRONG.  What I was experiencing wasn’t about not wanting to get my hands dirty while popping the car engine open.  Nor was it about wanting someone with muscles to squash a bug that doesn’t even have bones!  I realized that the “Independent Woman” anthem is not just a Destiny’s Child hit…it permeates everywhere!  Including the church.  I feel that the church of today is always reminding particularly women of our individual callings, talents and gifts.  Many “teachers” have become rich on tutorials on how to be single and that we should not exhaust our time seeking a mate.  And while not said, it is sometimes implied that one is wasting their energy and efforts if they desire to not be single (I say ‘single’ as opposed to “alone” because while we all experience loneliness at times, we are never truly alone due to the presence of the Holy Spirit).

I get it!  Being single is not the plague!  But it is ok to not want to be single forever.  What should be stressed is that God wants us to have the desires of our heart, according to His will.  And that includes ALL desires.  As we seek the Kingdom first, God will start to reveal the other areas that He wills for us.  It may be to write a book…or to produce a film…to teach kids…or to be the other half of a marital unit.  It is not a sign of weakness when you feel the Spirit birthing different conditions for your life.  I recognized and finally accepted the fact that I was creating a need to be in a relationship based on those things that I was simply tired of doing.  I probably was just to afraid to say: I want my boo to do this!  (LOL…even now that sounds funny to me).  What I should have just did was be real with myself…and my Father.  And simple said:

Lord.  I commit my future into your hands, including the future mate you have for me in the ministry of marriage.  I have done a lot on my own…but frankly, I don’t want to keep doing them on my own. 

…so that’s it.  No deep ending.  Just know that this B&F sista UNDERSTANDS!!!

(and remember…the guy that finds a good woman, has surely found a good thing!)


About boldandfab

Where Being A Witness Meets Chic Sophistication! Where Every Word Has Profound Meaning. It's all us...ALL REAL! B & F.
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  1. Indigo says:

    Love your honesty Ify. Thanx for opening up about this. It’s ok to want a hubby, it’s just not ok to want it so bad the pursuit of it becomes an idol and takes ones eyes off GOD almighty.
    BTW, I have almost jumped out of a moving car thanx 2 a spider. Ugh. I know they’re smaller than us, but they just seem so much scarier than the average person. =)

  2. missifyjd says:

    I so agree…and that’s with everything (career, ambitions, etc.). We all have little funny, quirky things that we would otherwise tell the world. Well, that was one of them! LOL! I guess it’s out there now (but if her were 6ft 4, I wouldn’t mind 🙂

  3. Bianca says:

    Ify, you know i understand. Independence has it’s perks but having a hubby is definitely a desire of mine… in God’s time of course. I’m content in my state right now because I’m focusing on pursuing my purpose… and I so look forward to growing in that purpose with my mate.

    On another note… I HAVE jumped out of a barely parked car on the side of 85 South headed back to school. It was something huge that had wings and I thought I would die!!! I terrified of bugs and will definitely be happy when my hubby is around so I can say to him “GET ‘EM!”

    Great post sis!

  4. missify says:

    I’m there with you, sis. I understand where I’m at right now. I’m just (now) thankful that I do have that desire…one that I was too proud to accept in the past.

    But yes, I have almost crashed a couple vehicle due to Charlotte’s Web!

  5. Mom Dukes says:

    Ify.. I know exactly where you are right now.. background: some 26 years ago I was a single parent of two, seven years free from a physically abusive marriage and for the first time in my life.. having the time of my life.. then a handsome young man asked me to dance and the direction of my life was altered in the most glorious way forever. I wasn’t looking for a husband but I was ready to share my life with someone special and to this day have NEVER regretted allowing my heart to love again… and learn to love through my relationship with Jesus Christ. That young man and I celebrated 23 years of marriage Valentines Day past… and I’m still… having the time of my life! Oh, and he’s the ultimate bug killer..lol So don’t think it strange (or let anyone else tell you it is) to want someone to share your life with.. we’re designed by God with that desire so it’s okay to let it take root in your heart. And remember, what He has for you will come in His time… in the meantime I pray that your life is blessed daily with His love (agape), as there is none other like it!

  6. missifyjd says:

    Luv it Luv it Luv it! Happy Anniversary (every day is one) and I love me some Jesus…and He is the BEST man always 🙂

  7. Pingback: My Top Pinterest Posts for Valentine’s Eve | The BOLD & The FABULOUS

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