So, I just about had it the other day. As I was about to do crunches in my bedroom, I saw the smallest baby spider scurrying along the wall. I moved just as fast as the spider…running around trying to figure out which shoe was going to suffer smashing this spider (because clearly,this is going to hurt my shoe and this spider is VERY different than all the bugs I probably smash as I am walking on the concrete outside…but I digress). I finally found a slipper (not the bath slippers, of course) and squealed out loud as I smashed the little spider against my off-white walls. As I sat down EXHAUSTED on my bed, I thought: When is THIS going to end! And I added this to my list. What list, you ask? Oh, you know…the list every “strong black single female” has called : THE (ONLY) REASONS I MAY CONSIDER GETTING A HUSBAND: And on that list:
- Shoveling snow (thanks to the 2010 D.C. Blizzard that covered my car, not once…but TWICE)
- Changing curtains, lightbulbs, and anything over 5’7″ (I mean, really!)
Changing the oil in my car(sorry fellas…I now do this RELIGIOUSLY)
- (and now) Killing spiders.
As I mentally added to the list, I started to feel guilty: like, why is it that I feel I NEED a man to do these things? I have been able to maintain on my own all this time. Plus, at now 30, if I were honest, the “TYPE A” multi-degreed, artistic, athletic parts of me reminded me of my prior accomplishments and that I never really NEEDED a man to do anything of those things. So I should stop being so weak….right?
WRONG. What I was experiencing wasn’t about not wanting to get my hands dirty while popping the car engine open. Nor was it about wanting someone with muscles to squash a bug that doesn’t even have bones! I realized that the “Independent Woman” anthem is not just a Destiny’s Child hit…it permeates everywhere! Including the church. I feel that the church of today is always reminding particularly women of our individual callings, talents and gifts. Many “teachers” have become rich on tutorials on how to be single and that we should not exhaust our time seeking a mate. And while not said, it is sometimes implied that one is wasting their energy and efforts if they desire to not be single (I say ‘single’ as opposed to “alone” because while we all experience loneliness at times, we are never truly alone due to the presence of the Holy Spirit).
I get it! Being single is not the plague! But it is ok to not want to be single forever. What should be stressed is that God wants us to have the desires of our heart, according to His will. And that includes ALL desires. As we seek the Kingdom first, God will start to reveal the other areas that He wills for us. It may be to write a book…or to produce a film…to teach kids…or to be the other half of a marital unit. It is not a sign of weakness when you feel the Spirit birthing different conditions for your life. I recognized and finally accepted the fact that I was creating a need to be in a relationship based on those things that I was simply tired of doing. I probably was just to afraid to say: I want my boo to do this! (LOL…even now that sounds funny to me). What I should have just did was be real with myself…and my Father. And simple said:
Lord. I commit my future into your hands, including the future mate you have for me in the ministry of marriage. I have done a lot on my own…but frankly, I don’t want to keep doing them on my own.
…so that’s it. No deep ending. Just know that this B&F sista UNDERSTANDS!!!
(and remember…the guy that finds a good woman, has surely found a good thing!)