Life After Termination

not ashamed

This will be short.

While there is no hierarchy of sins, humans are funny.  We talk about sharing our testimonies, its power, and how they are supposed to help others break through walls.  We shout and scream at the bishop who overcame alcoholism, or the choir director’s tales about his drug induced stupors.  Every Sunday,the head jerks of agreement and the increased speed of church fans with accompanying “YESSS! AMEN! I BEEN THERE CHILE” makes it clear that alcohol and drugs are common sins that many Christians, at some point–and usually B.C. (Before Christ)–have experimented and struggled with.  And in some ways, the power of someone else’s testimony makes those in the pew say to themselves “Wow, I’m not the only one…and I’m not so bad.”  And there is the power of testimony: it validates the human experience.  It gives one hope of what tomorrow could look like.  And while drugs and alcohol may not be my story, I rejoice with the brave soul who marches up there and strips naked just to reach one.

Well, I am getting naked…though this is far from brave.  This is just necessary.shame

There is a silent community that my spirit has been telling me is underserved.  Really, I didn’t need my spirit to tell me anything, because I witness it everyday.  It is a community often able to disguise their pain and their loss with lipstick and heels, degrees and pedigrees.  It is a community that cries in the private closets of their hearts, and questions whether they will ever be whole again. Whether they will ever be understood.  Whether they will ever be given another chance on something they forfeited.  Whether one day, someone will speak specifically to their situation and say “I thank God there is life after an abortion.”

[mic check, is the mic on?] “There is life after an abortion.”

Outside of the pro-life/pro-choice political games, many women go through the loneliness and shame of terminating a pregnancy.  This is especially true for those in the church, where somehow, some way, it was universally understood that far worse than murder, was the killing of a child.  So we largely ignore the topic for several reasons.  It is ignored because most, if not all church beginnings did not allow women behind the pulpit, so women’s issues–even today–are often preached from a male perspective.  That said, as a whole, we have largely dismissed talking about women’s reproductive capabilities, except to say “just say no.” Are we afraid that if we tell the truth–that just like other sins, the Lord’s grace is sufficient to forgive your sexual activities, as well as the consequences springing from them–that we are encouraging young women to spread them wide (because we all know that young men are pure and have no sexual desires whatsoever)?  Yes, the church’s infatuation with our private parts, while well perhaps intentioned, is often one-sided, lopsided, or no sided, leaving many questions unanswered and many hearts unattended.  So all us heathens are left with our sin and our thoughts, with pictures of a constant fiery flame inside your head.  And let’s not even add the familial and cultural pressure that makes an already sore wound even more severe. (I am sure I am disappointing many Nigerian relatives right now, since the only thing worse than the sin, is revealing the secret).

So we shut up. Pray silently. And move on.  At least try to.

You know why I think abortions are so shameful, especially for women who have a relationship with God?  Because it creates a perception that every woman works hard not to create.  It is proof you have had sex.  It is proof that you were reckless (if the sex was consensual), or that you were violated (if the sex was forced…it is not your fault by the way).  It is proof that you made a decision…one that did not show a bulging stomach…one that would rather live in a silent prison than face the judgment of friends and family…one that would not result in whispers and stares…and you chose a future that does not include a little boy or girl, at least for right now.  And while we all have free will, for some reason, we still–as a church–are not open to “freest of wills”: the will to not conceive a child.

But the termination of life is not where it ends.  My mind often wondered who my child would have been, or what we would be doing at this moment.  I wondered which successes I would have never seen…and which plans I still would have been able to accomplish while being a mother.  I wondered if anyone would understand that I actually cared about what was inside of me, even though I also felt like a monster for being the executioner.  I didn’t need to feel the spit from the pulpit and a wagging finger to know I was punished.  And at one time, even though I knew all the scriptures that said otherwise, I believed that God issued me a lifetime sentence of mental anguish.

Oh, how the devil uses our downfalls to feed us the biggest lies.

My God would not include Jeremiah 29:11 if he wanted me to stay emotionally tormented: “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”  

Romans 8:1 proves that my God would not grant a life sentence of hell on earth, even if I was willing to accept it, and honors my commitment to serve Him with my life: “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.”Shame_ResurgenceTemplate2

That even with a silent congregation, the Lord provides scriptural healing, and gives us room for acceptance, crying, and a new beginning:

Psalm 6:6: “I am weary with my groaning; All night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears.”

Psalm 25 (like, the whole chapter, but key verses): 25:12: For Your name’s sake, O Lord,
Pardon my iniquity, for it is great.” 25:16-18: “Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me, For I am desolate and afflicted/The troubles of my heart have enlarged; Bring me out of my distresses!/Look on my affliction and my pain/And forgive all my sins.

And that God is both judge and comforter, and He is waiting to take you over the hurt. Psalm 30:5: For His anger is but for a moment/ His favor is for life/Weeping may endure for a night/But joy comes in the morning.”

I do not know who this is for, because this is not something I typically reveal or discuss, and definitely not this public.  While I did not wake up this morning and say “I’m going to talk about my abortion today,” I do know that for the last couple of days–even with other possible blog posts swirling in my head–for whatever reason, God told me that there are women of faith who have crucified themselves over and over. I have, however, found myself speaking about at this at the most unexpected times with youth, colleagues, and even some men.  This experience–if it did nothing else for me–keeps me so grounded and never surprised to hear anything about anyone.  Even when people compliment me on my life, I always remind them that every story has a draft.  I accepted that my life is a work in progress, and not an easy one to retell.  But that said, I know that the enemy of breakthrough is shame.  Shame will keep you crippled and worrisome for much longer than necessary.    Drop the shame.

I encourage you not to bury this without facing it.  It happened and you should talk with God about it, and perhaps a close friend (real close, though…I’m a fool with very little worries lol, but no need to put it out there unless you are ready).  Forgive yourself, as He is willing to forgive you.  And if the time ever presents itself where you can minister to another young lady (or even an older sister), then do so.  Trust me, He will definitely let you know when and where to reveal it.  Because ultimately our stories are to set others free.

I did say “this will be short” right? Lol.  Maybe I should be a preacher 😉

You are loved.  You are broken.  You can be whole.


(Your sin is not the greatest in the world by the way:  read Romans 3, and don’t be discouraged by Paul’s wording…He can get into himself sometimes lol.  But don’t leave without reading verses 21-26.)


About boldandfab

Where Being A Witness Meets Chic Sophistication! Where Every Word Has Profound Meaning. It's all us...ALL REAL! B & F.
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7 Responses to Life After Termination

  1. Reblogged this on xThoughtxMusex and commented:
    I share in the belief that this is an issue we (women in Christ) need to shed light on. I am an advocate for mental (and spiritual) health. I believe that no one should be shamed into keeping their struggles to themselves and thus torturing themselves and suffering silently. This post is beautiful, especially for women of God. Because it can be difficult to deal with the sins you commit after you are saved. It can be difficult to forgive yourself. It always seems like the “..but when I found Jesus” testimonies are much more welcomed. A slip-up that occurs after you accept Jesus into your life as your Lord and savior is often judged (by people, Not God) with much harsher scrutiny. So I decided to share this post to say to anyone who relates to it that you are not alone, God forgives you so forgive yourself and do not allow shame to prevent your healing or keep you from doing your kingdom work.

    • boldandfab says:

      Thanks so much for sharing. I groaned several times in agreement with your response and totally agree: the “I’m already saved and I messed up” Christian at times struggles in very different ways than those who have yet to know right from wrong. The more of us that say “I get it, and you’ll be ok,” the better I think we all will be. Be blessed. _ Ify

  2. Kejisss says:

    Thank you sis for sharing this.
    I thank God that you were able to share this, and hopefully it will encourage others to look to God. He not only corrects but comforts.

    God bless xxx

    • boldandfab says:

      Thank you for reading. I received so many private emails, texts, and calls…it actually pains me more that so many had to struggle privately. I continue to pray for healing and wholeness, and understanding. Again, thank you sis

  3. Jocelyn "iNDIGO" Saunders says:

    This blog is so profound & in depth, it took me several reads to completely process & even understand where you were going. There is not enough space to comment w/o actually creating a whole blog underneath of yours, so I’ll keep it simple & just say, I GET IT!!!! Although you’re not saying abortion (like any other sin) is OKAY; you’re saying ITS OKAY to let women who have been thru it’s know ITS GONNA BE OK… b/c somehow, other sinners sins tend to be FORGIVEN in public w/ lots of support, but ABORTIONERS sin tends to be looked down upon MORE & hence, public support is NEVER provided…which leaves the ‘offenders’ to suffer alone. The church has essentially distanced themselves from saved women who have had abortions. Women who are saved have abortions…just like women who are saved lie…just like women who are saved have sex/babies our of wedlock…etc. Going deeper, if the women of the world who have experienced this sees that the church doesn’t wrap their arms & compassion around these women WHO ARE SAVED, why would they ever want to come to the church/to Christ? Like I said, I can go on & on based off this blog…excellent job…your courage in tackling this DOES NOT GO UNNOTICED. I pray that this is seen by many many people.

  4. Lady Rob says:

    Thanks for this post! This is all so true, for years I’ve struggled with the shame of my past because of how the church is set up to push out or turn away those who had an abortion. So like you said, everyday I suffered in silence, never getting to the point of forgiving myself and allowing God to make me whole. I now come to the realization (even though I’ve known) that I’m truly set free from my past, I’m forgiven and God truly wants to use my testimony to make other ladies free. Thank you for your courage, it has given me courage to press on!

  5. Grace says:

    That is true my sister, the experience eats u up n u keep wishing u didn’t do it or how life would have been if u kept the pregnancy or why you failed to take the pills, i cried n wished for things i knew would never happen i have my high moments and low moments but i believe GOD has forgiven me even though i wonder how i came to this, honestly i do, but God is really helping me at least i can sleep unlike before, thank you so much sister for your boldness, its funny how the devil tells us “people will know u are sexually active just terminate it and all will be well” when we listen to him he comes back later to tell us “what? that sin is so great and you can never be forgiven for killing your own child which you were given” and unfortunately we believe him but my sisters Jesus came to save the lost, he says in the bible “the whole people need no physician but sick do” he is merciful and he knew this would happen so go to him and talk to him ask him to forgive you he says “a broken heart and a contrite spirit i will not refuse” sometimes some things happen to us to strengthen others because God knows our hearts and what we can handle, off course we might never forget but my bible tells me “i will give you my peace that the world knows nothing about, peace that surpassed all understanding”. U are not alone i was once there but slowly God is doing something in my life and i praise him for that and for his love,GOD LOVES YOU MY SISTER.

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