Independence Day is a movie that I have watched hundreds of times. If I’m flipping channels and I come across it, no matter what part it’s on, I’ll watch it. Lately, I’ve been struggling to release myself from someone that has had a hold on me and had a hold of my heart for many years. When I thought about making peace with this person and my past, I thought about Independence Day when the alien was using Dr. Okun to talk to the President.
Alien: Release Me
President: I know there is much to learn from each other if we can make a truce. We can find a way to Co-exist. Can there be a peace between us?
Alien: Peace? NO PEACE!
This situation has always been a difficult one for me. I have attended several bible study sessions and other seminars that have stressed the importance of forgiving yourself and others. I have forgiven myself and others for a lot of the things from my past, but with this situation, I never really considered it anything I needed to be forgiven for or needed to forgive anyone else for.
Last year, when a piece of my life’s luggage washed ashore it brought with it feelings and emotions that I thought were gone. I was blindsided because I didn’t know that I still had a bag left to unpack. I popped the lock on the bag and began to unpack it. I put the stuff on and remembered why I loved it so much. It was genuine. It was authentic. At one time, it was a nice fit, but I’ve changed. My personality has changed. I’m not the same person I used to be. I hoped that I could have salvaged the stuff or even made something new out of it, but the fabric just wouldn’t give. I was shaped differently back then and the fabric wouldn’t accommodate the person I am now. That girl was young, naïve, shy and afraid. This girl is young, perceptive, outgoing, and strong. Of all the bags from my past, the contents of this bag were the only contents I always thought I would open up years later and everything would still be a good fit. It was not the case. Nothing in it is as I remembered.
In Matthew 9:16-17, Jesus says, “No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch will pull away from the garment, making the tear worse. Neither do people pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.
As I continue to unpack the contents of the bag, I realize that there are still hurts in me that are associated with this stuff. Those hurts have manifested in many of my other relationships. Those hurts have molded me into who I am and how I am in relationships, both good and bad. I’ve put up walls and I’ve learned to speak viciously (via text or email) with no filter sometimes, to keep people at bay. Occasionally, during moments of temporary insanity (lol), I blowup for no reason, because I sense someone is getting too close, and it scares me. Don’t get it twisted, I’m a tough chick. I’ve been through things that many wouldn’t have survived, but being vulnerable scares me. Although many of my walls have come down, I’m quick to use my power window button to put them right back up and attempt to hide behind them. I know the pain of having a broken heart. I know the pain of feeling so sad that you don’t want to get out of the bed, you just want to stay in the bed and cry. I know the pain of crying so much you feel like you’re going to run out of tears. In that hurt and heartbreak, my skin got thicker, my attitude got tougher, my emotional foundation got stronger, and the security around my heart has been beefed up. I was a mess. I have been there a time or two, but I survived. I’m here and I’m better, stronger, and wiser because of it.
Psalm 147:3, says, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages up their wounds.” God’s unfailing love and support bandaged up my wounds and helped me to push forward through some extremely difficult periods in my life. Because of some of those wounds, I’m extra cautious when it comes to all matters of the heart. I used to say we‘d be fine as long as you don’t mess with my child, my heart, or my money. Lol. Over the years, I’ve had several people to vanish from my life without a trace. There were a few that I chose to walk away from, but most of them and I are still friends. In finding peace with all of those that left and the ones that I let go, I have had to ask myself…
“What lessons am I supposed to take away from our relationships?“.
My lessons are many.
In my season of singleness, I’m still learning things from those relationships. I’ve learned that sometimes loving someone just isn’t enough. I’ve learned that loving someone that doesn’t love you on the same level that you love them sucks. I’ve learned that someone may love you to the best of their ability and it may not be equal to what your love is at your best ability. I’ve learned that people that opt to walk away from you, you should let them go. Because I am a daughter of God, I’m worthy of being pursued, I’m worthy of someone fighting for me and our relationship, and I’m worthy of someone putting in a serious effort to be with me and make me happy. I don’t ask for much. If you can easily walk away from me, let me get the door for you. My dad would have done anything for me. And My Father loved me so much that he sent his only son to die for my sins, so that I could have eternal life (John 3:16). My dad would never have left me (he passed away in 2003) and my God tells me that he won’t leave me in Hebrews 13:5,where He says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Knowing that I allowed something or someone to affect me and my heart this much, I can’t help but to think that I probably also affected them on some level, whether they are ever willing to admit it or not. I guess I do owe them an apology. There was never any intention to hurt them and in inadvertently hurting them, I managed to hurt myself even more. It took me forever to find peace in my heart. This blog is evidence that I’m still searching for peace or at least I was until now.
God covers me and it’s high time that I start covering myself. I need to do a better job of guarding my heart, my mind, my body, and my spirit. Only the chosen one should have access to my heart and all of my treasures. It’s an honor and a privilege to have my heart and all that comes with it.
I won’t swear that the contents of this bag won’t ever cross my mind again, but I’ve addressed my emotional connection to the bag and its contents. I’ve asked God for forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’ve put away the contents and I’m finally letting go. I am posting an eviction notice. I am taking back my heart and with it any ability you have to stir up old emotions and feelings in me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for helping me to find my peace. Can we have a truce? Can we find a way to co-exist? Can there be peace between us? These are no longer questions I need answers to. I have found peace. I hope you can do the same. Love, peace & blessings.