Who am I? How did I get here? How did this get to be my life? Things didn’t happen as I planned. My Plan A was that my high school sweetheart and I were supposed to go away to school, to schools that were near each other, like Tre and Brandy from Boyz in the Hood. Yeah and when that didn’t work out, I switched to My Plan B. My Plan B was that I was supposed to go to college and meet my future husband, graduate, get married and start a family, like Whitley and Dwayne on A Different World. Things didn’t quite work out for that plan either. Those were MY plans, but somewhere along that path, I took a wrong turn and I ended up on a path that I didn’t recognize. I had set my GPS on the path I wanted, but because I wasn’t allowing God to position me on the path that he had planned for me, I got lost.
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9
Completely forgetting everything I ever learned in my nine years of Catholic school, I managed to get myself pregnant, not once but twice. Both times, by people that didn’t really seem that interested in being fathers or genuinely interested in being in a committed relationship with me. After a 14-year gap, my sons are 20 and 6 (in heaven); you figure I would have learned my lesson. Nope.
My second son was my wake-up call that I need to start living my life differently. It took a while for me to see that, but I wanted more and I still do. My second son was born via emergency c-section with the cord wrapped around his neck. He never cried. He never opened his eyes. He had very little brain activity. He was only able to breathe every couple of seconds on his own without the help of a ventilator. After six days, without any improvement, I made the decision to have him removed from the ventilator.
For a long time, I thought that I lost him because God was punishing me for not living my life right.
Losing him was one of the hardest times in my life, but God pulled me out of the depression I was slowly falling into. He made me get out of the bed that first day and everyday that followed. I will always miss my son, but with each day that passed, the pain got a little easier. I couldn’t shutdown. I couldn’t give up. I had to keep going because I was still someone else’s mom and he needed me.
In Rick Warren’s a Purpose Driven Life, I’m reassured in the text below that God wasn’t punishing me for having my sons out of wedlock; “God was thinking of you long before you ever thought about him… His purpose for your life predates your conception. He planned it before you existed, without your input! ”
He goes on to say, “You are not an accident. Your birth was no mistake or mishap, and your life is no fluke of nature. Your parents may not have planned you, but that doesn’t mean God didn’t plan you. He works through human error and failings, and he was not surprised by your birth; in fact, he expected it. It is not fate, nor chance, nor luck, nor coincidence that you are breathing at this very moment.”
If he feels this way about me, then he also feels this way about my sons. They didn’t come here because of any choices they made. They came here because of choices I made. They came here because it was the will of God. My son died because that too was the will of God. He wasn’t punishing me. You see, tests are God’s greatest compliments. He had faith in my ability to handle it.
Growing up Catholic, I’ve always had religion, but I don’t know if I’ve always had an actual relationship with God… at least not consistently. I was like, a pray-in-your-time-of-need type of prayer. My inner circle, they are people of prayer. They are very familiar with the Word and because of them; I am getting more familiar with the Word. On a regular basis, they share their messages with me and because of them, I pray. I pray a lot and I pray about everything and for everybody. I’ve learned that prayer isn’t all about asking for the stuff we want. It also includes being grateful for all that He has already done. I thank God daily for all of my blessings and even for my time in the wilderness. I’ve found such great peace and clarity there.
My truths: I’m thirty-nine, single, a mother of two, and have never been married. Am I okay with it? I didn’t used to be, but now I am. I used to worry about being alone and never getting married, but I’m not alone. I have the best family and friends a person could ask for. I’m optimistic that the great love of my life is still out there, he just hasn’t found me yet or maybe he has and he just doesn’t know it yet.
Regardless of where I’ve been or what I’ve gotten myself into my God has forgiven me, because he is a forgiving God. I know I made a lot of mistakes in the past, but even now, if I find myself headed in the wrong direction, I know that God allows U-turns. Where I really didn’t pay attention to where I was going before, I’m paying more attention to the path I’m on now. I’m checking everybody, paying close attention to suspicious looking characters, hitchhikers, and the pedestrians walking along my path.
Not everybody gets the privilege of going along with me on my journey.
Who’s going to clean up the messes in my life? I’ll tell you who, the same person who has always cleaned them up, my Father. I may have repeatedly sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, but we all have. God promises me that if I delight myself in Him, that he will give me the desires of my heart. Psalm 37:4. So although I might currently be happy and accept being SINGLE, SEXY, and SASSY right now, being single in the wilderness is not my final destination. It’s just a pit stop on the way to the love my Father wants for me, the love I deserve, and the love I’ve been waiting for.