Recently I had an AHA moment. I spent most of my teen years and 20’s and 30’s wanting to be married. One day sitting at the dinner table (I was a teenager), my father prayed for me to have the gift of singleness. Wait, what?!? This was coming from a man who married his high school sweetheart right after college. <side eye> Fast forward one failed marriage, a couple broken long-term relationships and single-parenthood later, and the thought crossed my mind several times that my father had put a curse on me. Then it finally hit me…
My dad really wanted what was best for me. He wanted me to enjoy being single. There’s that good old 20/20 hindsight. Why didn’t he just say that? LOL! Truth is I probably would not have listened to those words either. By my late teens, whatever my parents said was up for debate and by my 20’s their words were only suggestions that I would take or leave.
Lately I’ve been feeling weird when approached to date or court. I’m not really feeling it. What’s wrong with me? What happened? What has changed? I AM HAVING AN AWESOME TIME BEING SINGLE; so awesome a time that I’m appreciating my singleness for the precious gift that it is. I’m enjoying the friends that I already have, and the new friends that are coming into my life.
I’m finding that being content, satisfied and happy as a single woman is really a protection. It’s given me the patience to wait and see. It gives me confidence in where I stand. I have the peace and presence of mind to take the time to see if the guy truly means what he’s saying by his actions. Conversation is just that, conversation. I’m not half-listening, half-hoping and wholeheartedly leaping ahead of myself and throwing caution to the wind in order to have just any relationship. After all, I gave that over to God just a little while ago. “Dad, I’m done with doing this on my own. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m giving it over to you.” He said, “Daughter, are you sure, because you keep taking it back?” I said, “Yes. You’ve got it. I know my limits and they’ve been reached.”
In exchange, he’s given me his peace, he’s worked out and is still working out some long held issues within me. Woo hoo!!! I feel like I’ve wasted so much time and we’ve got to catch up. He is showing me such a good time, that I don’t want to be distracted from my time with him or miss a thing. Yes; I am enjoying being shown who he is, who I really am and owning it. He’s shown me that marriage is not necessarily better, it is just different. Different joy and different issues.
So when I rebuff advances or seem disinterested in pursuing a self-proclaimed suitor it has nothing to do with bitterness or whether or not the guy is a good person. Nothing needs to be forced. What’s the rush? In most cases we don’t even know each other well enough to know if we could even be friends. (Pump your breaks!) Any walls that are encountered were put up by my Father. Those who don’t like it can take it up with him. I’m not closed off, just content. I’m basking in what it feels like to truly be covered. If you asked me today, do I want to get married someday, I’d say that would be nice. But I will maintain my joy either way.
I love and trust my Dad to direct my steps. He’s never failed me and is totally forgiving. I’ve made some mistakes in this process of figuring me out. He’s wiped my tears, held me close and restored my confidence in him and myself. So I’ve made a promise to him that when he decides I’m ready, that’s when I’ll give up my singleness. He will let me know if and when that time comes. Until then, I’m dancing with my Father. He’ll let me know when he’s given someone permission to cut in. ❤