It’s human nature to see what others have and wonder why you don’t have what they have. No matter how much we hear, “God has a plan for you;” “Wait on the Lord;” “God has a purpose for your pain;” or other statements that are said so much that they’ve become cliché, the questions and desires remain. I sometimes ask God, is that what you want me to feel, experience…Is this the life you want me to live?
Paul was able to exclaim in Philippians 4:11-12 that he’d learned contentment because it’s not something you just have but acquire through practicing it. Even though I am content in areas does not mean that the desire doesn’t rear its head at times. I blogged a few weeks ago about being content as a single woman, but there are times that I see happy couples and I wonder, Where’s mine? At times I see posts of happy times and praises for good relationships between mothers and daughters. Again I wonder – Where’s mine?
When I talked to God about it recently, he reminded me that I am not alone. That’s also a big concern. I don’t see anyone who understands me or is going through what I’m going through. Maybe because some pains are felt in private, but not spoken about in public. At times I want to be able to look around and see myself somewhere in someone. Even in physical appearance. No one in my family claims my big legs. Sometimes I find myself looking at other women’s body shape trying to find some commonality. But I digress…
God has reminded me that no relationship is perfect because we all have some dysfunction from our original parents. We just don’t all have the same dysfunction. For some reason, this was somewhat reassuring. Then I thought further, have I asked God for what I would want out of a relationship with my mother? After all, I’m grown.
My mother lost her mother when she was only sixteen years old. So I was able to forgive her a long time ago for not having an adult relationship with her own daughter. I’m not sure she knows how, or understands that I would even want and need one. Just as my feelings have become numb towards her, her feelings may have become numb towards wanting a relationship with a mother she can’t have. We’re coping but not healing. I see her face when I look in the mirror. At times I hear her voice when I’m speaking. Nonetheless, she’s not dead. She’s just not in my life by her choosing.
So, what would my dream relationship look like with my mother right now? –
- Sunday brunches, day trips, plays and shows
- Random phone chats about life (My mother and I used to talk every morning.)
- Girl trips to the beach, even on another continent
- Advice and insight on what I might expect as I age
These are just a few things I could think of… I have friends whose moms come over and help them clean their homes on occasion or take the kids so they can have a break. Their moms speak into their lives and champion their endeavors. I admire that. I’ve wished for it. I’ve even asked a woman that I trusted to mentor me. She never got back to me. I just take it as not God’s plan for my life and keep it moving. I know there are other women out there like me who don’t have a close relationship with their mother. I share my inner-struggle so that they know that they’re not alone. We’re somewhere between the women with good mother/daughter relationships and the women whose mothers have passed on in death. Our mothers are here, but for some reason beyond our control, not present and not motherly. For my sisters in that position, I’m giving you a tight squeeze right now.
I’m a mother now. I may not be able to have the relationship right now that I would want with my own mother, but I can try my best to be the mother that I would want to have. I truly believe that God restores. He may not do it in the way that I might want to see it, but I trust him that he does it in a way that is best.
Every time I hug my daughter tight. He’s there.
Every time I say I love you when my daughter and I part ways for the day or night. He’s there.
And every time I feel a longing in my heart to be mothered by my mom. He’s there. ❤